ADHD PARENTING-mindfulness

 

Stay Calm and Mom (or Dad) On-Mark Bertin, M.D.

(credits to additudemag.com)

When that tantrum in the grocery store nearly snaps your last straw, breathe in, breathe out. Then, remember these mindful parenting techniques to return from the brink of your own meltdown.

The traditional definition of mindfulness involves switching out of autopilot and paying more attention to your immediate experience with a measure of openness, objectivity, and compassion. Mindfulness doesn't mean achieving a completely still mind, or feeling like it’s "all good" when it's clearly not. Mindfulness is a type of meditation — one of the most accessible — that helps us train our brains to be more aware.

Mindfulness can be very restful and peaceful, especially if you use it as a break from a busy schedule. It can also be very challenging — it’s hard to quiet your mind for 15 whole minutes! By practicing every day — even when it's tough — you’ll build up calming skills that kick in when stressful moments do come up.

One common type of mindfulness is breath focus. There’s really nothing special about breathing — it’s just something to focus your attention on that isn’t the mental mess inside your head. Simply focusing on your breath — and gently bringing your attention back to it when you feel your mind wander — is a great place to start a mindfulness practice. It’s important for anyone starting out to recognize that you will get distracted. Don’t give up — you’ll get better over time!

Stress, uncertainty, and being a parent all go hand in hand. This stress affects how you live, how you relate to others, and how effectively you manage your child’s ADHD.

Some amount of stress keeps us motivated and safe. When we feel threatened, our nervous system is wired to produce the physiological reactions known as the stress response, readying us to protect ourselves or flee from danger. These reactions can be lifesaving when we’re in actual danger.

The problem is our response to stress isn’t subtle. The same physiological reactions arise after anything rattles us, including thoughts. Most often, stress starts with a perception, perhaps outside of our conscious awareness, that something isn’t as we think it should be. We’re just running a little late or worried about our to-do list. Yet that same intense stress reaction occurs.

Nothing will ever completely eliminate stress. However, our bodies aren’t wired to withstand overly frequent or intense stress. And because excessive stress undermines both physical and mental health, it affects not just you, but the people around you. Among other things, it can make it hard for you to stay on top of your child’s ADHD care.

But you can elect to cultivate traits that will be helpful in managing stress and whatever life brings your way. That typically starts with devoting more attention to your real-time experience and finding more space between what you observe and what you decide to do next. Setting aside even a few minutes daily for a mindfulness practice, such as the one that follows, will help you build this capacity.

Awareness of the Breath

This practice will help you guide your attention more often to the present, rather than being caught up in your mind. The sensation of breathing is often used only because your breath is with you all the time. The practice isn’t about trying to change how you breathe; your breath simply provides a focus for your attention.

With mindfulness, the only intention is to attend to the moment the best you can. You aren’t striving to transcend anything, get anywhere, or block anything out. The goal isn’t even relaxation. That often happens, but you can’t force yourself into feeling it.

You cannot be good or bad at meditation. You’ll never fix unwavering attention on your breath. On some days, meditation allows you a few moments of peace; on other days your mind will remain busy. If you’re distracted almost the entire time and still come back to one breath, that’s perfect. And if you practice, you’ll find yourself focusing more often on life with less effort.

Below, you’ll find instructions for practising focused awareness:

1. Sit comfortably, finding a stable position you can maintain for a while, either on the floor or in a chair. Set a timer to avoid clock-watching.

2. Close your eyes if you like, or leave them open and gaze downward toward the floor.

3. Draw attention to the physical sensation of breathing, perhaps noticing the always-present rising and falling of your abdomen or chest, or perhaps the air moving in and out through your nose or mouth. With each breath, bring attention to these sensations. If you like, mentally note, “Breathing in, breathing out.”

4. Many times you’ll be distracted by thoughts or feelings. You may feel distracted more often than not. That’s normal. There’s no need to block or eliminate thinking or anything else. Without giving yourself a hard time or expecting anything different, when you discover that your attention has wandered, notice whatever has distracted you and then come back to the breath.

5. Practice pausing before making any physical adjustments, such as moving your body or scratching an itch. With intention, shift at a moment you choose, allowing space between what you experience and what you choose to do.

6. Let go of any sense of trying to make something happen. For these few minutes, create an opportunity to not plan or fix anything, or whatever else is your habit. Exert enough effort to sustain this practice, but without causing yourself mental strain. Seek balance — if you find yourself mostly daydreaming and off in fantasy, devote a little extra effort to maintaining your focus.

7. Breathing in and breathing out, return your attention to the breath each time it wanders elsewhere.

8. Practice observing without the need to react. Just sit and pay attention. As hard as it is to maintain, that’s all there is. Come back over and over again without judgment or expectation. It may seem simple, but it’s never easy.

Informal Mindfulness Practice

Practices like the preceding one are generally considered to be formal practices, conducted at scheduled times and usually in a set location. You can also practice mindfulness informally during any activity — folding the laundry, conversing with a coworker, walking to work. Here’s how:

Meditation classes are a great starting point. You will also find many guided meditations online. My website, Developmental Doctor, is a great place to start looking for resources. It doesn’t really matter which method you choose — the important thing is that you dedicate some time every day to focus on your breathing and advance your mindfulness skills.

How does mindfulness factor into the way you respond to your child’s ADHD? By bringing this kind of awareness to your day-to-day life, you can be responsive instead of reactive — meaning you carefully consider the situation and plan your response accordingly instead of immediately falling back on your gut reaction, which can often be negative.

An example: If your child struggles to get ready for school and this leads to daily fights, consistently practicing mindful parenting techniques can help you change your mindset to one of compassion. If you pause, focus on your breath, and consider your child’s difficulties, you can think more flexibly about the problem — and good solutions. Mindfulness isn’t a “fix-all.” It’s more like physical fitness — the more you practice, the more “in shape” you’ll get.

Mindfulness also helps when dealing with angry outbursts. Children with ADHD or ODD can be rude, defiant, and sometimes downright obnoxious. How do parents keep their cool? Mindfulness teaches you that the only person you can control in any confrontation is yourself. If you regroup and focus on your breathing before you react, you’ll find yourself more able to focus on the big picture — like what long-term structure your child needs to work on her anger.

Can children practice mindfulness, too? Yes — but it has to start with you. If you practice mindfulness techniques consistently and learn how to proactively apply them to your day-to-day interactions, your child can learn from your example and from your teachings. Beyond that, there are also classroom-based mindfulness programs you can try, or you can look into psychologists who are familiar with the technique.