ADHD friendly Strategies for tracking keys

 

8 ADHD friendly Strategies for Keeping Track of Your Keys 

by Jacqueline Sinfield 

To get into my office, I tap my key card on the card reader by the door handle. When the red light turns green, I can open the door.

It’s a good system, unless you accidentally leave your key card inside your office, which I did one winter evening.

When I peeped through the window, I could see the key card sitting safely on the desk next to my cell phone.

Also inside my office were my winter coat and snow boots 

I couldn’t call anyone for help, and I couldn’t leave and come back the next day when the office staff would be around because it was snowy and minus 30 degrees.

I needed my key card.

Over the next 30 minutes, a few mini miracles occurred. Although most people had gone home, I spotted one person. Dispite not having met before, I asked to borrow her phone, and she graciously agreed.

I called the office admin number and, as expected, reached their out-of-office message.

I left a message anyway.

Then, I sat and waited, thinking through my options.

After 15 minutes, I saw the office manager walking down the hall! I couldn’t believe my luck.

He was working late, heard my message, and came with the master key card to let me in.

Phew.

I felt lucky but also silly. I also didn’t want to go through that experience again, so first thing the following day, I went to the office supply store and bought a blue plastic sleeve for the card to make it more visible. The white card looked practically invisible on my white office desk.

I also bought a lanyard to wear around my neck.

I had resisted wearing lanyards because I thought they looked too official. But now, I didn’t mind at all!

As well as making the keycard very visible (blue plastic sleeve) and always with me (lanyard), I developed the habit of checking that the card was around my neck before closing the office door.

I am happy to report I haven’t locked myself out of my office since.

I also updated the lanyard to one I like.

The combination of visibility and new habits helped.

Losing your keys or locking yourself out may seem like a little thing but it can have a significant ripple effect.

It can make you feel embarrassed, sad, and disorganized when you don’t have your keys when you need them.

It can also make you late for important events and be expensive. For example, I know someone who lost their only car key. They had to get their car towed to the garage and then pay for a new key.

Another client regularly locked her car keys in her car and had to call roadside assistance to get them.

Here are some techniques to help keep track of your keys.

ADHD friendly Strategies for Keeping Track of Your Keys 

1. A Designated Spot

Create Specific Spots for Your Keys at Home and Work

Having a designated spot for your keys is super helpful for keeping track of them.

Consider using a key hook or bowl close to your front door or the door you use the most.

Next, develop the habit of always placing your keys in your key spot as soon as you get home.

I have a key hook at home, where I keep my house and car keys.

At work, my house keys stay in my bag, always in the same pocket.

2 Visual

Make your keys noticeable! 

I got a blue sleeve to make the white key card easier to see.

I got pretty keyrings for my house keys that I like the look of and make my keys easier to notice.

How could you make your keys more visible?

3. Key Finder Device

If you frequently misplace your keys, using a key-finding device can save you a lot of time and upset.

There are Bluetooth trackers, like Tile Mate or Track R, that you attach to your keyring and connect to an app.

When you can’t find your keys, you can simply open the app on your phone, and your key-finding device will either make a sound or show you where it is on a map.

Smart Keychains. There are clever keychains that will make a noise if you clap so that you can find them!

4 Habits

Establishing habits with your keys can help you keep track of them.

For example, one client struggled to find her keys in the morning as she was heading to work because of her evening habit.

When she walked through the door, her three cats ran to greet her. It’s hard to resist a furry welcome, so she put her keys down absentmindedly in the excitement.

Our solution was to create a new habit: when she walked in the door, she would resist her cats’ for the first two seconds, hang her keys on the hook, then reward herself by enjoying her cats’ company.

What habit would help you keep track of your keys?

5 Mindfulness.

Mindfulness helps you be fully aware of the present moment. For the client who frequently locked her keys in her car, we created a mindfulness practice.

Before closing the car door, she would say out loud, “I now have the keys in my hand.”

This simple practice helped her stay present in the moment and stopped her from going on autopilot and leaving her keys inside.

Perhaps you could do something similar.

6. Backup set

Have spare keys just in case. You might not be able to think of a situation where you’d need a spare set, but there is a saying, ‘It’s better to have and not need than to need and not have.’

You can keep them in a safe place at home or give a set to a family member, trusted neighbor, or friend.

7. Group your keys

If you have a lot of keys, it can be helpful to group them so you aren’t carrying around a heavy key ring all the time.

Grouping keys can also make it quicker to find the key you need, and if you ever lose your keys, you haven’t lost ALL your keys, which means less hassle if need to replace them.

The trick to grouping them is that they make sense to you, your brain, and your life.

Here are some examples

Group keys together based on their specific use, for example.

• Home keys, including the mailbox key, on one key ring.
• Car keys
• Work keys
• Shed, storage locker

Another way to group your keys could be by how often you use them.

Group keys you use daily together,

Home and car and office keys together.

Less frequently

your shed or storage locker.

8.Labeling

Labeling can help you quickly identify which key is for which lock, which is handy if you have multiple keys that look similar. 

However, it’s good to be aware of security concerns when labeling keys:

Rather than writing down your address on the label or the specific door, it unlocks the ‘front door,’ so you could be vaguer and write ‘home.

Even better, you could code your keys in a way that only makes sense to you. For example, I put a spot of pale nail varnish on one of my keys to help me distinguish it from the others.

click here to read CBT for ADHD

credits to 

https://untappedbrilliance.com/adhd-keys

ADHD PARENTING-mindfulness

 

Stay Calm and Mom (or Dad) On-Mark Bertin, M.D.

(credits to additudemag.com)

When that tantrum in the grocery store nearly snaps your last straw, breathe in, breathe out. Then, remember these mindful parenting techniques to return from the brink of your own meltdown.

The traditional definition of mindfulness involves switching out of autopilot and paying more attention to your immediate experience with a measure of openness, objectivity, and compassion. Mindfulness doesn't mean achieving a completely still mind, or feeling like it’s "all good" when it's clearly not. Mindfulness is a type of meditation — one of the most accessible — that helps us train our brains to be more aware.

Mindfulness can be very restful and peaceful, especially if you use it as a break from a busy schedule. It can also be very challenging — it’s hard to quiet your mind for 15 whole minutes! By practicing every day — even when it's tough — you’ll build up calming skills that kick in when stressful moments do come up.

One common type of mindfulness is breath focus. There’s really nothing special about breathing — it’s just something to focus your attention on that isn’t the mental mess inside your head. Simply focusing on your breath — and gently bringing your attention back to it when you feel your mind wander — is a great place to start a mindfulness practice. It’s important for anyone starting out to recognize that you will get distracted. Don’t give up — you’ll get better over time!

Stress, uncertainty, and being a parent all go hand in hand. This stress affects how you live, how you relate to others, and how effectively you manage your child’s ADHD.

Some amount of stress keeps us motivated and safe. When we feel threatened, our nervous system is wired to produce the physiological reactions known as the stress response, readying us to protect ourselves or flee from danger. These reactions can be lifesaving when we’re in actual danger.

The problem is our response to stress isn’t subtle. The same physiological reactions arise after anything rattles us, including thoughts. Most often, stress starts with a perception, perhaps outside of our conscious awareness, that something isn’t as we think it should be. We’re just running a little late or worried about our to-do list. Yet that same intense stress reaction occurs.

Nothing will ever completely eliminate stress. However, our bodies aren’t wired to withstand overly frequent or intense stress. And because excessive stress undermines both physical and mental health, it affects not just you, but the people around you. Among other things, it can make it hard for you to stay on top of your child’s ADHD care.

But you can elect to cultivate traits that will be helpful in managing stress and whatever life brings your way. That typically starts with devoting more attention to your real-time experience and finding more space between what you observe and what you decide to do next. Setting aside even a few minutes daily for a mindfulness practice, such as the one that follows, will help you build this capacity.

Awareness of the Breath

This practice will help you guide your attention more often to the present, rather than being caught up in your mind. The sensation of breathing is often used only because your breath is with you all the time. The practice isn’t about trying to change how you breathe; your breath simply provides a focus for your attention.

With mindfulness, the only intention is to attend to the moment the best you can. You aren’t striving to transcend anything, get anywhere, or block anything out. The goal isn’t even relaxation. That often happens, but you can’t force yourself into feeling it.

You cannot be good or bad at meditation. You’ll never fix unwavering attention on your breath. On some days, meditation allows you a few moments of peace; on other days your mind will remain busy. If you’re distracted almost the entire time and still come back to one breath, that’s perfect. And if you practice, you’ll find yourself focusing more often on life with less effort.

Below, you’ll find instructions for practising focused awareness:

1. Sit comfortably, finding a stable position you can maintain for a while, either on the floor or in a chair. Set a timer to avoid clock-watching.

2. Close your eyes if you like, or leave them open and gaze downward toward the floor.

3. Draw attention to the physical sensation of breathing, perhaps noticing the always-present rising and falling of your abdomen or chest, or perhaps the air moving in and out through your nose or mouth. With each breath, bring attention to these sensations. If you like, mentally note, “Breathing in, breathing out.”

4. Many times you’ll be distracted by thoughts or feelings. You may feel distracted more often than not. That’s normal. There’s no need to block or eliminate thinking or anything else. Without giving yourself a hard time or expecting anything different, when you discover that your attention has wandered, notice whatever has distracted you and then come back to the breath.

5. Practice pausing before making any physical adjustments, such as moving your body or scratching an itch. With intention, shift at a moment you choose, allowing space between what you experience and what you choose to do.

6. Let go of any sense of trying to make something happen. For these few minutes, create an opportunity to not plan or fix anything, or whatever else is your habit. Exert enough effort to sustain this practice, but without causing yourself mental strain. Seek balance — if you find yourself mostly daydreaming and off in fantasy, devote a little extra effort to maintaining your focus.

7. Breathing in and breathing out, return your attention to the breath each time it wanders elsewhere.

8. Practice observing without the need to react. Just sit and pay attention. As hard as it is to maintain, that’s all there is. Come back over and over again without judgment or expectation. It may seem simple, but it’s never easy.

Informal Mindfulness Practice

Practices like the preceding one are generally considered to be formal practices, conducted at scheduled times and usually in a set location. You can also practice mindfulness informally during any activity — folding the laundry, conversing with a coworker, walking to work. Here’s how:

Meditation classes are a great starting point. You will also find many guided meditations online. My website, Developmental Doctor, is a great place to start looking for resources. It doesn’t really matter which method you choose — the important thing is that you dedicate some time every day to focus on your breathing and advance your mindfulness skills.

How does mindfulness factor into the way you respond to your child’s ADHD? By bringing this kind of awareness to your day-to-day life, you can be responsive instead of reactive — meaning you carefully consider the situation and plan your response accordingly instead of immediately falling back on your gut reaction, which can often be negative.

An example: If your child struggles to get ready for school and this leads to daily fights, consistently practicing mindful parenting techniques can help you change your mindset to one of compassion. If you pause, focus on your breath, and consider your child’s difficulties, you can think more flexibly about the problem — and good solutions. Mindfulness isn’t a “fix-all.” It’s more like physical fitness — the more you practice, the more “in shape” you’ll get.

Mindfulness also helps when dealing with angry outbursts. Children with ADHD or ODD can be rude, defiant, and sometimes downright obnoxious. How do parents keep their cool? Mindfulness teaches you that the only person you can control in any confrontation is yourself. If you regroup and focus on your breathing before you react, you’ll find yourself more able to focus on the big picture — like what long-term structure your child needs to work on her anger.

Can children practice mindfulness, too? Yes — but it has to start with you. If you practice mindfulness techniques consistently and learn how to proactively apply them to your day-to-day interactions, your child can learn from your example and from your teachings. Beyond that, there are also classroom-based mindfulness programs you can try, or you can look into psychologists who are familiar with the technique.

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT ADHD

 COMMON MYTHS ABOUT ADHD

( CREDITS TO https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/common-myths-about-adhd/ )

Enough Is Enough

When you’re doing the best you can raising your child with ADHD, it can be frustrating to hear misinformed comments from well-meaning friends, relatives, and even total strangers. Here are the top 10 insensitive remarks and myths about ADHD that parents hear far too frequently.

1.ADHD is just an excuse for bad parenting.-WRONG

അവർക്ക് ആ കൊച്ചിന് ഒരു അടി കൊടുത്താലെന്താ ?

We’ve all heard the judgmental whispers: “Why can’t they control their child?” “I’d never let my child do that.” 

ADHD is a medical neurological condition that can cause very real behavioral problems that parents and children struggle with every day. Comparing the behavior of children with ADHD to that of their neuro-typical peers is unproductive and insensitive. 

 അമിതപ്രവർത്തന രീതി( എ ഡി എഛ് ഡി )   നമുക്ക് കൈകാര്യം ചെയ്യാൻ നല്ല പ്രയാസമുളവാക്കുന്ന തരത്തിലുള്ള ,യഥാർത്ഥ സ്വഭാവ പ്രശ്നങ്ങൾക്കു കാരണമാകുന്ന   ഒരു നാഡീവ്യവസ്ഥാ അവസ്ഥ ആണ് . കുട്ടികളുടെ  ഇത്തരം പെരുമാറ്റങ്ങളെ  സമപ്രായക്കാരുടെ സ്വഭാവവുമായി താരതമ്യം ചെയ്യുന്നത് ഗുണകരമല്ലാത്തതും വിവരംകെട്ടതുമായ രീതിയാണ് . 

2.He’ll outgrow it.NO....

വലുതാകുമ്പോ നേരെയാകും എന്നത് അബദ്ധ ധാരണയാണ് .

ADHD isn’t just a “growing pain,” and there’s no guarantee that symptoms will improve as a child ages. In fact, up to two-thirds of children diagnosed with ADHD will continue to struggle with the condition into adulthood.

3.ADHD kids have an unfair advantage at school.NO.IT IS FAIR !

The school accommodations outlined in 504 Plans and IEPs level the playing field for a child who is struggling in school due to ADHD and/or learning disabilities. The law guarantees that these services are made available to students who need them; don’t let misinformed comments stop you from getting your child the tutoring, extra time, or classroom attention she needs.

4.She’s just a troublemaker.DESERVES A SPANK....NO....

Spanking and other harsh punishments are actually counterproductive on children with ADHD who struggle to sit still, keep quiet, or adhere to strict rules. Traditional types of discipline don't work when the behavior stems from a neurological condition beyond the child's control, so parents (and teachers) may have to try new approaches like behavior therapy and positive parenting.

5.ADHD is caused by too much TV....WRONG

Nope. There is no evidence to support a link between television (or video games or smart phones) and ADHD. In fact, plenty of children who watch no TV at all are diagnosed with attention deficit. More and more research points to a genetic connection.

6.She’s just a little hyper.NO...

If only. While hyperactivity is a highly visible, trademark symptom of some ADHD, other manifestations — like impulsivity and inattention — are nearly impossible for strangers to see but seriously impact a child's day-to-day life.

7.No one had ADHD when I was a kid.WRONG...!

The term may be new, but the phenomenon is not — many of us diagnosed with ADHD now would have once been called lazy, stupid, or incapable of learning — or even diagnosed with a "Defect of Moral Control."

8.It’s probably just too much sugar....WRONG

While symptoms may be aggravated by too many sweets, sugar cannot cause ADHD. Some parents report seeing no difference at all in their child’s ADHD symptoms, even when they completely cut out sugar.

9.Parents are too quick to medicate....WRONG

The decision to medicate is between a family and its doctor, and it isn’t made lightly by anyone. Parents usually turn to medication only after changes in eating habits, supplements, and other behavioral modifications have proven ineffective.

10.He just needs to work out his energy...WRONG

Well-meaning — but woefully misinformed — observers often think kids with ADHD just need to be “tired out,” and finding the right activity will solve all the child’s problems. Unfortunately, soccer or paint ball can’t control ADHD symptoms — only proper treatment can.

-CKR 19/06/2024

Interactions with parents- tips for faculties

 Interactions with parents before assessment- tips for faculties

Foods with synthetic dyes affect behavior of ADHD

Red Dye No. 3 Banned in CA, Linked to Behavioral Problems

CREDITS TO https://www.additudemag.com/

California ( USA ) is the first state to ban four food additives, including Red Dye No. 3, due to potential health risks. ADHD experts and food safety advocates urge the FDA to issue a nationwide ban.

There is enough evidence that food dyes affect behavior in some sensitive children with ADHD (and other children without the condition) to justify warning labels on foods containing synthetic dyes,” Nigg told ADDitude.

Concerns about increasing rates of ADHD and other behavioral disorders prompted the California Legislature to ask the Office of Environmental Health Hazard Assessment (OEHHA) to conduct a food dye assessment in 2021. Its report, titled Health Effects Assessment: Potential Neurobehavioral Effects of Synthetic Food Dyes in Children, found links between several dyes and hyperactivity in children. The report argues that current federal levels for safe intake of synthetic food dyes may not sufficiently protect children’s behavioral health.

According to the OEHHA report, the FDA’s Acceptable Daily Intake levels (ADIs) for synthetic food dyes are based on 35- to 70-year-old studies that were not designed to detect the types of behavioral effects observed in children today. Comparisons with newer studies indicate that the current ADIs may not adequately protect children from the behavioral effects of some dyes, and suggest they should be lowered.2

How to Avoid Red Dye No. 3

In the meantime, Nigg advises children with ADHD to avoid foods containing food dyes — an admittedly difficult task. According to the Environmental Working Group’s Eat Well Guide, Red Dye No. 3 is used in nearly 3,000 products, including sodas, juices, yogurts, snacks, candy, frostings, instant rice and potato products, cereals, and boxed cake mixes. It is also used in medications including Vyvanse. 5

“Parents are well-advised to remove food dyes from their child’s diet if they can,” Nigg said. “It is on the list of things to try to do — along with other health actions like a healthy diet, exercise, and lower stress. I encourage parents to do what they can knowing it’s hard to do it all. Every bit can help.”

To start, Nigg suggests steering clear of most processed and packaged foods.

“Eat whole foods found on the perimeter of the grocery store — eggs, milk, cottage cheese, meat and poultry, nuts and seeds, fresh fruits, vegetables, and legumes,” he said. “Families should also be cautious when buying seemingly ‘healthy’ foods, some of which contain synthetic dyes: pickles, flavored oatmeal, salad dressing, peanut butter, and microwave popcorn, for example. Synthetic dyes are also in toothpaste, medication, and cosmetics. Parents should read all product labels closely.”

To check for the presence of Red Dye No. 3, look at a product’s ingredient lists for “FD&C Red #3” and look for dyes in the “inactive ingredients” section for medications.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has also advised parents to limit foods that often contain synthetic dyes, such as sugary drinks, juices, and candy, that may affect children’s behavior

Your child can not be your friend.

The emotional role of the parent is built on love, affection, and esteem. It’s an essential part of being a parent, and it’s a beautiful thing to behold. But your role as a parent is not just emotional. And your child is not your friend.

CREDITS TO https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/your-child-is-not-your-friend/

Indeed, much of the parenting role is functional. For an infant, that means feeding, changing diapers, bathing, and generally providing for the child. For an eight-year-old, it means ensuring homework gets done. And for a fifteen-year-old, it means setting and enforcing a responsible curfew.


Understand that if a mother loves her child emotionally but neglects the functional role, that child is at risk of not maturing into a responsible adult. Indeed, emotional and functional parenting roles go hand in hand. It’s not healthy to emphasize one at the cost of the other. You need both.


Parents also need to understand that the amount of emotional versus functional requirements changes over time. As a child gets older, the parent needs to take on more of a functional role and less of an emotional one because the goal for older kids is to prepare them to live without you.


Your Child May Not Like Your Functional Role

A parent may want to feel emotionally attached to their older child, but at the same time, the parent must do functional things that the child may not like. For example, parents need to set limits with their children, and your child may dislike you and may resist you when you set limits.

Nevertheless, setting limits is a healthy function, and you need to do it for your child’s sake. Limits are how kids learn to figure out what’s safe and what’s not safe. And what’s appropriate and what’s not appropriate.

You are your child’s authority—that’s your role and responsibility. Do you have an emotional relationship with your child? Yes. But if you try to be friends with your child, it comes at the cost of your authority, and it undermines your role as a parent.

Practically speaking, your child can find another friend, but your child can’t find another parent. You and only you can be your child’s parent, and that’s why you need to be the parent and not the friend.
And if it’s you who needs a friend, I suggest you look elsewhere and don’t expect your child to be your friend.

Don’t Make Your Child Your Confidant

I think parents often make the mistake of making their child their confidant. So when they say, “I want to be his friend, and I want him to be my friend,” what they’re saying is, “I want to be his confidant.” And that just does not fit with the functional role of a parent.

It’s a very well-meaning trap that parents fall into. They want to share with the child how they feel about their grandmother, for example. Or how they feel about their neighbor. Or how they feel about their teacher. But it’s ineffective because the child is not morally, emotionally, or intellectually prepared to play that role.

If you’re forty years old and you want a confidant, find another forty-year-old. Or a fifty-year-old. Or a thirty-year-old. Just know that your fifteen- or ten-year-old child can’t be your confidant.


Don’t Criticize Your Child’s School or Teacher In Front of Your Child

If parents think teachers are in error, they should keep that to themselves and their peers and deal with the school directly. Be careful what you say to your child about it.

For example, if you think the teacher’s a jerk for not letting your child chew gum, don’t say so to your child. Instead, say:

“Boy, I disliked that rule when I was in school too. But I had to follow the rules.”

Calling the teacher a jerk in front of your child makes your child your confidant, and that’s ineffective parenting.


Remember this: if you make your kid your confidant and disrespect authority figures in front of them, don’t be surprised when they disrespect that authority figure. Or when they disrespect you. And then, if you give them consequences for that disrespect, they’re going to look at you as a hypocrite.

When you make your child your confidant, you are saying that you and the child are co-decision makers. But you and your child are not co-decision makers in any realistic way. Kids can offer you their opinion. They can tell you what they like and dislike. But certain decisions—especially important ones—have to be made by you, the parent.


At the end of the day, kids need to understand that the family acts as a unit, and the adults are responsible for the decisions.


Don’t Share Too Much With Your Child

I think you can share some things with a child without turning them into a confidant. But you have to be careful.

One of the things you can share with a child is the statement, “We can’t afford that.” It’s a factual statement that explains the financial limits under which you must live.


But, what you shouldn’t share with the child is, “I don’t know how I’m going to pay the rent this month.” That’s something your child is not prepared for emotionally. It makes them anxious about something over which they have no control. It’s unhealthy for them.

Kids have enough fear and anxiety of their own to deal with. Don’t use your child as a confidant to share your problems. Instead, use your spouse or an adult friend. That’s more effective and appropriate.

So I think that you need to be a parent to your child and be loving, caring, and responsible. But find your confidants elsewhere.


Adults and Children Have Different Notions About Life

If you treat your child as a “friend,” you should understand this about friendship: friends are a group of people who have similar notions and ideas about life. That’s not you and your child.

The truth is that children and adults have quite different notions about what they need to do. They have different notions about right and wrong. And they have different priorities. That’s appropriate and to be expected. But that’s not a recipe for friendship. And if you try to make it a friendship, it causes unnecessary conflict and angst.

Leave Your Personal History Out of Your Parenting

Parents will often overcompensate for problems they remember in their own childhood. For example, if you were wild and out-of-control, you may be overly strict with your child because you don’t want your child to take the same risks and make the same mistakes that you did.

Likewise, if you were raised in an overly strict household, you may be overly lenient with your child.

This overcompensating is referred to as reaction formation by psychologists. In reaction to how you were parented as a child, you form a way of parenting that’s not healthy for your child.


For example, if your emotional needs weren’t met, you may overcompensate by trying to be your child’s friend and smothering your child with attention and affection. And that may have harmful unintended consequences.


Indeed, you may think your child will like you more if you’re their friend. You may think they’ll trust you more. But here’s the problem. They may not respect your authority as a result. They may not listen to the word “no” because you never used it or taught them how to deal with it. They may not even want you as a friend. When I was a teen, I sure didn’t want to hang out with my parents, and that’s okay.


In the end, you can’t fix your childhood through your child.

The Goal of Adolescence is for Kids to Separate From Their Parents

The goal of adolescence is for kids to separate from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation. Individuation refers to the process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the identities of others.


Individuation is healthy. It means your teen child will want to have a life separate from you. It’s how they become an individual. And as a result, they may not want to share their life with you the way they did in the past.


Understand that your child needs to separate from you to become independent. You may not always approve of their friends and values, but it’s your child’s job to work through that. People who fail to individuate from their parents end up with emotional and social problems. And they often don’t leave home.

Many parents see this individuation happening in their adolescent children and feel abandoned by their children. This feeling of abandonment is especially true when they have parented too much in the emotional role and have acted as their child’s friend. They feel a remarkable sense of loss, and they often compensate for it by blaming the child.

How to Stop Being Your Child’s Confidant

If you’ve shared too much with your child and have not set the kind of limits they need, all in the name of being your child’s friend, you can change to become a more effective parent. It begins by explaining to your child what you’re going to talk about from now on. You can say:


“I’ve decided that there are some things I should be talking to other adults about. So I’m not going to talk to you about them anymore because I think it hurts our relationship.”

You don’t have to be specific about the subject matter. Just be clear.

Then you need to learn how to respond differently to your child. For instance, if you and your child have been talking about what a jerk a particular teacher is for weeks and the child brings it up again, then say to your child:

“You know, I’ve been thinking that it doesn’t help to label your teacher a jerk. Let’s figure out how you can handle this situation more effectively.”

It’s normal for friends to sit around and bad-mouth their teachers. It’s what they do. But a responsible parent will help their child solve the problem they’re having with the teacher. And that’s what you need to do.

Divorced and Unmarried Parents

In divorced families, each parent may try to be the child’s confidant, and the child gets stuck painfully in the middle. The mother’s telling the child what his father’s like, what he’s doing, and not doing. And the father’s telling the child what his mom’s like, how she’s crazy, and how she’s controlling.

I’ve heard kids in divorced families complain that their mom is “so controlling, she’s awful. I can’t live with her.” Too often, they were just repeating what their father said to them.

The problem is that the complaints may be valid to some degree. And now the kid can see it. But they can’t react to it appropriately because they don’t have the maturity to do so. It’s not right to put your child in that position.

Act Like the Responsible Adult Your Child Needs

I want to make an important point for you here. In the end, you can be friendly with your child. That’s a beautiful thing. But not at the expense of being their parent.

The key is to have a responsible relationship with your child. Responsible adults don’t let their children skip their homework, they don’t let their children make excuses for failure, and they don’t bad-mouth the teachers. That’s the type of relationship you need to have with your child. It’s called being a responsible adult—an adult who loves their child and, at the same time, holds their child accountable. It’s called effective parenting.

-----James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation, The Complete Guide to Consequence, Getting Through To Your Child, and Two Parents One Plan, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

ADHD PARENTING:EMOTIONAL CONTROL JUST A DREAM ?

Adopted Child Syndrome (ACS)

ADHD and an Anxiety Tip

ADHD and an Anxiety Tip

 എ ഡി എച് ഡി   യും ,വേവലാതി കുറക്കലും 

-ജാക്വിലിൻ സിൻഫീൽഡ് ,ADHD COACH

 കുറച്ച് മുമ്പേ ഞാനൊരു ഇൻറർവ്യൂവിൽ പങ്കെടുക്കുകയുണ്ടായി.അതിൽ  നാവിക ഉദോഗസ്ഥനും  The Attributes എന്ന  പുസ്തകത്തിന്റെ കർത്താവുമായ  റിച്ച് ദ് വി നി    ഒരു പ്രായോഗിക നിർദ്ദേശം മുന്നോട്ടുവച്ചു . നിങ്ങൾക്ക് വലിയ  ആകാംക്ഷ അനുഭവപ്പെടുകയും പ്രത്യേകിച്ചും വലിയ വേവലാതി തോന്നുകയും ചെയ്യുമ്പോൾ  എന്താണ് ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുക ? അപ്പോൾ  നിങ്ങൾക്ക് വളരെ ഉപകരിക്കുന്നുമായ ഒരു കാര്യം പറയാം .

 ആകാംക്ഷ  എന്നു പറയുന്നത്  ആഭ്യന്തരമായ ഒരു പ്രതികരണമാണ്. അതിന്  കാരണമാകുന്നത് ബാഹ്യമായ ചുറ്റുപാടുകളെ ചുറ്റിപ്പറ്റിയുള്ള അനിശ്ചിതത്വമാണ് .ഒരു പ്രശ്നത്തിൽ എന്താണ് സംഭവിക്കാൻ പോകുന്നത് എന്ന് മനുഷ്യർക്ക് വ്യക്തത ഇല്ലാതാകുമ്പോഴാണ് നമ്മളെല്ലാം പല വിധ  സാധ്യതകളെക്കുറിച്ച് ചിന്തിക്കുകയും കൂട്ടത്തിലെ ഏറ്റവും മോശമായ സ്ഥിതി മുന്നേ കാണുകയും അത് മനസ്സിൽ വീണ്ടും പലതവണ പ്രദർശിപ്പിക്കപ്പെടുകയും അതെ ചൊല്ലിയുള്ള വേവലാതിയിൽ ചുറയുകയും ചെയ്യുന്നത്.

 എ ഡി എച്ച് ഡി കൂടി ഉള്ള ഒരാൾ എന്ന നിലയ്ക്ക്,  നിങ്ങളുടെ മനസ്സ് കൂടുതൽ സൃഷ്ടിപരവും മറ്റു മനസ്സുകളെക്കാൾ അതിവേഗം പ്രവർത്തിക്കുന്നതും ആയതുകൊണ്ട്, നിങ്ങൾ ഏറ്റവും മോശമായ കാര്യങ്ങളെ മുൻകൂട്ടി കാണുന്നതിലും നല്ല വേഗതയുള്ള ആളാണ്. അത് നിങ്ങളുടെ ആകാംക്ഷയെ സാധാരണയിൽ കവിഞ്ഞു വല്ലാതെ വർദ്ധിപ്പിക്കുകയും ചെയ്യും. ഇങ്ങനെയൊരു സന്ദർഭത്തിൽ നിങ്ങൾ എന്ത് ചെയ്യണമെന്നാണ് റിച്ച് നിർദ്ദേശിക്കുന്നതെന്നോ ?

 നിങ്ങൾ നിങ്ങളോട് തന്നെ ചോദിക്കുക ." എനിക്ക്   ശരിക്കും ഇപ്പോൾ എന്താണ് നിയന്ത്രിതമായി ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുക  ? ".

ഇത് വളരെ പ്രയോജനകരമാണ്. കാരണം നിങ്ങൾ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുന്ന ഒരു പ്രവർത്തനത്തിലേക്ക് നീങ്ങുമ്പോൾ...... ഒരു ചെറിയ ചുവടു  മുന്നോട്ട് വെക്കുമ്പോൾ ............നിങ്ങൾക്ക് ഡോപമിൻറെ  (dopomine)* ഒരു ചെറിയ അളവ് തലച്ചോറിന്റെ  ഉള്ളിലേക്ക് കിട്ടുകയും അത് നിങ്ങൾക്ക് സന്തോഷകരമായ ഒരു മാനസികാവസ്ഥ പ്രദാനം ചെയ്യുകയും ചെയ്യുന്നു .

ഉദാഹരണമായി നിങ്ങൾ ഒരു വിമാനത്താവളത്തിൽ എത്തിപ്പെട്ടതേയുള്ളൂ എന്ന് കരുതുക . നിങ്ങളുടെ സ്യുട്ട് കേസ് നിങ്ങളുടെ അടുത്ത് എത്തിയിട്ടില്ല. നിങ്ങൾ ആകാംക്ഷാഭ രിതനാകുന്നു . നിങ്ങൾ ആ പെട്ടി നഷടപ്പെട്ടാലുള്ള  എല്ലാ  സാധ്യതകളെക്കുറിച്ചും പ്രശ്നങ്ങളെക്കുറിച്ചും ആലോചിക്കുന്നു. ഇതുവരെയും നിങ്ങളുടെ പെട്ടി  തിരിച്ചു വന്നിട്ടില്ല .പേടി കൂടുന്നു. അപ്പോൾ നിങ്ങൾ എടുക്കേണ്ട ആദ്യത്തെ നടപടി ഇതാണ്. ഇങ്ങനെ ആലോചിക്കുക -" എനിക്ക്   ശരിക്കും ഇപ്പോൾ എന്താണ് നിയന്ത്രിതമായി ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുക  ? ".

 

 ഇത് നിങ്ങളുടെ തലച്ചോറിനെ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുന്ന ഒരു പ്രവർത്തന നടപടിയിലേക്ക് നയിക്കുന്നു .നിങ്ങൾക്ക് വരാൻ പോകുന്ന ചില സംഭവങ്ങളുടെ മേലെ  ഒരു നിയന്ത്രണവും ഇല്ല എന്നുള്ളത് ശരിയാണ് .നിങ്ങളുടെ പെട്ടി  എവിടെയാണ്  ? അത് നിങ്ങളുടെ ഫ്ലൈറ്റിലേക്ക് അല്ലെങ്കിൽ നിങ്ങളുടെ സ്ഥലത്തേക്ക് എത്തിപ്പെടുമോ എന്ന കാര്യത്തിൽ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് യാതൊരു നിയന്ത്രണവുമില്ല. പക്ഷേ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് ഇങ്ങനെ ചിന്തിക്കാമല്ലോ .എനിക്ക് എയർലൈൻ കൗണ്ടറിലേക്ക് നടന്നു പോകാം .എന്നിട്ട് അവിടെ എന്റെ പെട്ടി  കാണുന്നില്ല എന്നുള്ള കാര്യം അറിയിക്കാം . അങ്ങനെ ആലോചിക്കുമ്പോൾ തന്നെ നിങ്ങളുടെ ആകാംക്ഷ കുറയുകയും നിങ്ങൾ അങ്ങോട്ടു നടന്നു തുടങ്ങുന്നതോടൊപ്പം നിങ്ങളുടെ വേവലാതി നന്നായി കുറയുകയും  ചെയ്യുന്നു.

ഇപ്പോൾ നിങ്ങൾക്ക് എന്തിനെകുറിച്ചെങ്കിലും  വേവലാതി ഉണ്ടോ ? 

അങ്ങനെയുണ്ടെങ്കിൽ നിങ്ങൾ സ്വയം ചോദിക്കുക.

" എനിക്ക്   ശരിക്കും ഇപ്പോൾ എന്താണ് നിയന്ത്രിതമായി ചെയ്യാൻ കഴിയുക  ? ".

- പരാവർത്തനം  : രാധാകൃഷ്ണൻ സി കെ   , കണ്ണൂർ 

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(dopomine)*- സന്തോഷം തോന്നുന്നതിനു കാരണമായി ,തലച്ചോറിൽ നാഡീകോശങ്ങളിൽ ഉല്പാദിക്കപ്പെടുന്ന അതി സൂക്ഷ്മ  രാസഘടകം.

*************************************

ORIGINAL TEXT : ADHD and an Anxiety Tip

A few weeks ago, I listened to an interview with former Navy Seal and author of the book, The Attributes, Rich Dviney.

Rich gave a practical suggestion to use when you are feeling anxious, and I wanted to share it because it's really simple yet powerful.

Anxiety is an internal response that is often triggered by uncertainty in the external environment.

When humans aren’t sure what will happen, we think of all the possible (usually worst case) scenarios and play those over and over in our mind.

As someone with ADHD, your mind is more creative and faster than other minds, so you are really good at thinking of worst case scenarios, which can increase your anxiety.

When this happens, Rich suggests you ask yourself,

"What can I control right now?"

This is helpful because when you start moving towards that (by taking a small action), you get a little shot of dopamine and that makes you feel better.

For example, imagine you had just landed in an airport and your suitcase didn’t arrive. You start to feel anxious as you think of all the possible problems you might run into as you are trying to get your suitcase back.

The first step is to ask yourself the powerful question:

What can I control right now?

This allows your brain to come up with an action step you can do.

You don’t have any control over where the suitcase is, or whether it will be put on a flight to your new location, etc.

But you might think,

“I can walk over to the airline counter and report my suitcase missing.”

Straight away, your anxiety is reduced as you start walking towards the counter.

Is there something you feel anxious about at the moment?

If so, ‘What can you control right now?’

-Credits to Additude

*******************************************************

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ADHD PARENTING:EMOTIONAL CONTROL JUST A DREAM ?

 I saw a parenting meme in my feed the other day that hit pretty dang close to home.

..............By Rebecca Branstetter, Ph.D.  CREDITS TO ADDITUDEMAG.COM

It was a split screen of how parents start their day (as the happy, soft-spoken dinosaur from Toy Story and how they end their day (as the terrifying T-Rex from Jurassic Park roaring one inch from your face).

I feel that.

We all start out the day fresh and ready to be positive, proactive, and empathic with whatever challenges our children are facing. When we’re rested, we typically have the patience to respond calmly when they are reactive or having a hard time (like when a toddler screams and throws a tantrum because there are RAISINS in her RAISIN Bran… hypothetically speaking, of course). As the day wears on, parental patience wears thin, and we tend to be more reactive, triggered, and annoyed when our children act out or shut down.

Complicating matters is the inescapable fact that our baseline for maintaining inner calm has moved. Most parents are operating with a higher level of stress than they did before the pandemic. After a year of disrupted lives, strained finances, and tight living quarters shared with a roller coaster of emotions, there’s plenty that can trigger our inner T-Rex.

Our kids are under unprecedented stress, too. Their tolerance for this stress may also be smaller than usual. And if your child has ADHD or emotional reactivity challenges, they may go from happy Rex to full Jurassic Park in seconds flat.

Given this stressful dynamic, it’s no wonder we’re all buckling under the heavy load of big reactions — whether it’s blowing up or shutting down — from things as small as raisins or as big as an outbreak at school.

Lizard Brain Vs. Wizard Brain

Neither parent nor child wakes up in the morning planning to be a terrible lizard.

When stress is triggered in either parent or child, two spooky sci-fi things happen (nope, I’m not talking about extracting-DNA-and-recreating-dinos kind of sci-fi. This is even spookier)

Spooky Sci Fi Fact #1: We are evolutionarily pre-programmed to match others’ emotions before we can even mentally register that we are doing it.

This means that stress and uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, anger, and sadness are highly contagious. We “catch” the stress from our kids, and our kids “catch” it from us.

Y’all, the whole process takes milliseconds.

When your kid flips out and gets angry because you calmly ask them to put away their dirty socks, your calm turns to anger before you can even register it consciously. When you are stressed out about an email that pops up on your phone from work and you feel tense, your child feels that same tension as if it were their own.

Spooky Sci Fi Fact #2: All stress, big or small, real or imagined, registers the same way — DANGER! — and we go into the “brain stem,” the part of the brain responsible for survival.

This primitive part of the brain literally does not know the difference between the stress of struggling with a math assignment or the stress of a saber-toothed tiger. Either way, the amygdala, the fear center of the brain, lights up like a Roman candle and we go into fight or flight mode (or the modern-day version: acting out or shutting down).

With kiddos, I sometimes call it “lizard brain” because primitive responses to stress do not involve logic or thinking. All our “brain juice” (term I just made up) goes to survival and we don’t have any cognitive resources left for thinking straight.

As I teach in my online positive parenting courses, problem solving cannot occur in “lizard brain” mode. Yet, when our kids get stuck in the brain stem, it’s soooooo tempting to address them with logic, problem solving, or a valuable adult life lesson such as: “When a company advertises a product with raisins, it likely has raisins in it! So just eat it!” or, “It’s just a math worksheet. It will only take 10 minutes, so just calm down and finish it!”

It doesn’t take much imagination to picture how these life lessons go over in those lizard brain moments. Yep, your child may go full Jurassic on you. Then, you instinctively go Jurassic on them and there’s two angry dinos in the room (see Spooky Sci-Fi fact #1).

Tapping Into the Wizard Brain

You might be thinking, “OK, great, so basically we are destined to trigger and re-trigger each other all day long?”

Nope! I have good news for you.

You have a fully developed wizard brain (frontal lobe — the “stop and think” part of your brain that is built to pause and respond skillfully, with calmness.

And the even better news is that calm emotions are also contagious! When you come into a situation with calm, it triggers calm in your child. When you take a pause before responding to your child’s anger, their anger subsides. This process of up-regulating or down-regulating your child’s emotions is called “co-regulation.” You can bring calm or chaos to a situation by how you respond.

And once both parties are calm, problem solving can begin. Our “wizard brains” (frontal lobes) are back online.

But how do parents cultivate inner calm amid craziness? What sounds good in theory is much harder to do when you’ve been triggered.

The following strategy for keeping calm in a stressful situation with your child is simple, but it is not necessarily easy until you remember and practice this: Take care of yourself first. Escalated parents can’t de-escalate their children. Your calm teaches your child calm.

Wait! Don’t go!

This is not the part where I tell you to practice self-care: take up yoga, practice meditation, and carve out heaps of “me time.”

Don’t get me wrong; self-care is great, but those are things you do “off the job” as a parent. They can lengthen your fuse, but the fuse is always still there.

The problem with self-care activities is that it’s hard to do them in the Jurassic parenting moment. You can’t just bail on your wailing, dysregulated kid and drive off to a yoga class right then and there.

So, this is the part where I share what can you do “on the job” when the stressful moment is actively going down.

What To Do When the Lizard Attacks

First, become aware when you’re being triggered. Is it a bodily sensation, like a tight chest or clenched jaw? Or is it a thought like, “Why are they giving me such a hard time?” or “How many times do I have to tell them?” or “Why are they making such a big deal over nothing?” If you can catch the thought or feeling before you respond, that’s huge.

Second, practising empathy is the fastest route to calming yourself and your child during a heated moment. Remind yourself that your child is in “brain stem” and in a moment of suffering, too. They aren’t giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time.

Third, this one tip from the fabulous Kristen Neff, self-compassion researcher, has been a game changer in my parenting, especially during the heightened emotional reactivity in the pandemic: In a Jurassic Moment, I do a “one for me/one for you” breath before responding. One breath for me (I am having a hard time) and one breath for my child (this is hard for you, too). It helps me stay calm and helps model for my child how to pause before responding and how to empathize in challenging times.

And speaking of self-compassion, remember to give yourself self-compassion if you T-Rex out from time to time! If you lose your cool with your child, it’s okay. It’s human. It happens, especially when we are under stress and have a shorter fuse than normal. Take the time to apologize to your child — it’s a teachable moment. When you say, “I am sorry I yelled. I was feeling frustrated and next time I will take a few deep breaths,” you are teaching them what to do next time they are frustrated or make a mistake.

By Rebecca Branstetter, Ph.D.  CREDITS TO ADDITUDEMAG.COM

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